It's been a while since I've posted, so here's a quick update of my life :)
I graduated last week- I got a 2.1, which I was reeeally annoyed at myself for until I realised - hey, I had a debilitating illness for most of my degree and managed not to do anything dreadful AND get a really high 2.1. So I'm happy. I'm staying in Bristol next year for an MA in medieval music, and I'll probably stay here for a PhD after that too. The plainchant specialist here is awesome, and I'd really like to keep working with her.
I did the coming out to family thing (again!) a month or so ago, which went surprisingly ok. My mum and brother are less ok with it than I first thought, but still better than I expected, and my dad seems completely ok with it. I've also been seeing a very lovely girl, and I've been getting involved with LGBTsoc things and Bristol Pride.
I got a new flatmate, who then got fired from his job and will be moving out soon, but I've got a few people interested in the room. I hope they're as amazingly tidy as Adam!
I've recently been to a couple of conferences- one was medieval and renaissance music, one was an interdisciplinary medieval conference. The first was pretty good, and one of the papers gave me some inspiration for my MA thesis; the second was sadly pretty poor and I ended up leaving early, but I got some good deals on academic books, and the Schola concert (which was, really, why I was there) went really well, so on balance it was ok.
There was probably a load of other stuff, but my attention span is pathetic at the moment so I shall leave you with the fact that I recently bought these. http://www.kurtgeiger.com/online-shop/162369-kg-whisker I love them, and I love Kurt Geiger sales. Not that I can really walk in them or anything.

http://aeviette.blogspot.com/ :)

I was talking to a friend about violence today, and whether it can ever be justified (physical or otherwise) and it got me thinking about the justice system. (Massively inaccurate name, the way I see it, but I'll get onto that.) Imprisoning someone is a form of violence: violence does not have to be direct physical abuse, it can be mental, or involve taking something (material or otherwise) away from someone, or pretty much any deliberately inflicted suffering. To imprison someone is a massive act of violence, in removing a great deal of freedom, arguably dignity and years of life, and denying access to their 'world.'
So this got me thinking about the relationship of this form of violence to a perceived crime. What exactly is its function? Is it a deterrent, or an attempt at restoring some kind of balance of justice? I would argue that it *should* always be the former, because I absolutely cannot accept the idea that suffering can be balanced out like that; once damage has been done to a victim or victims, it cannot be negated by suffering (comparable or otherwise) inflicted upon the guilty party as a reaction. It might make some people feel better, and if there is financial compensation involved it may actually help, but ultimately the result is simply more suffering. I fail to see how this really helps anyone.
As a deterrent I think it could be a lot more useful. If the certain consequences of an action are as negative as any gain form it would be positive, then it would be stupid to do it in the first place. The consequences are not certain, which is another point altogether, and anyway if the ascribed punishment was disproportionally damaging in relation to the original crime then in practice it would be hugely unfair, no matter how effective it may be in dissuading someone from committing the act in the first place.
This links to what we were discussing, about violence as a form of control. The threat of violence, with punishment as a deterrent, is a method of control. Physical violence, or the threat of, has always been and probably always will be a form of control- whether on a small level or on a military scale. That's just how the system works, I don't agree with it but it's how the world works, unfortunately. This does not make it excusable, but I think it would be very hard to find a viable alternative (except common sense and compassion, which should be a lot easier than it apparently is). Purely as a means I would say it is never excusable, but then we run into the tricky territory of what the end is. The question of terrorism/freedom fighters comes in here. Is it possible to balance the atrocity of the means by having a superior end? Can any aim ever be so worthy as to justify the use of violence to achieve it? And is this even relevant- at the end of the day is it sometimes the only way to attract enough attention or to get things done? Maybe this can't even be an ethical question until a viable alternative becomes apparent.

I do not subscribe to the Romantic ideal of the suffering isolated artist. Struggle makes for a good story, a mythology, not for creative output. Overcoming challenges is obviously a positive thing, but suffering leaves a residue which can build up and cripple. It's what happens in spite of this that builds a mythology, and it's not a case of suffering facilitates great things. It makes you see things differently, yes, and very often forces you to become extremely self-aware, and so people will create things they otherwise couldn't have. But any suffering is first and foremost a burden, and is always damaging.
I'll think through this a bit more when my eyes aren't desperately trying to close. It's something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately. I guess for someone to have been through difficulties and dealt with them is probably always going to enhance their work long term, but it's whether that's an attainable stage at all. Part of what annoys me about the whole ideal is that it makes some people think suffering is something to aim for, something desirable in a really perverse sort of way. The glorification of suffering is never acceptable, and is always an insult to the person and to the validity of the suffering; only overcoming it may be glorified in any way.

Margaret appears to be no longer talking to me. If she could do so quietly and discreetly, without her miserable face appearing wherever I go in the flat, this would be even more awesome. She's moving out in 3 weeks and I can't wait- I've really had enough of her. She's beyond rude, and extremely selfish. The dining room is still functioning as her office, whereas my desk apparently is just for blocking in with laundry. At least this means I have no guilt in doing violin practice in the living room.
I have also started learning to not be a doormat. I've never quite figured out the bit in between walkover and crazy rabid bitch, so I thought now might be a good time.
I'm the LGBT postgrad and mature rep starting now, and I'm very excited about the first social on Saturday.

I have:
big mug of freshly squeezed orange juice
ice cream, to balance out the healthy
half an awesome Adorno essay
most of a dissertation
a strong inclination to get hideously drunk very soon.

Handing in the last of my degree by 5 today!

I am in love with some very sad motets by Byrd. Particularly 'Tristitia et Anxietas' and 'Ne Irascaris'. I'm currently looking at metaphors of Catholic England in the late 16th century as Jerusalem in exile, in the Cantiones Sacrae of 1589 and 1591. The two motets I mentioned are from '89. They should both be on youtube- I wholeheartedly recommend giving them a listen. Look out particularly for the second part of 'Ne Irascaris', on 'Sion facta est deserta'. You can't miss it. It's shatteringly beautiful. Ooh and 'consolare' in Tristitia, near the end. It's incredibly moving. Possibly one of my favourite words set to music (especially if you look outside the liturgy)- Ockeghem's Requiem, Offertory (yes I know, liturgy, don't shoot) has a wonderful consolation section which isn't massively dissimilar. To my tonality-shunning, free chant rhythm, chanty mind, anyway. (I read about Byrd's use of root position harmony today, and it felt very, very strange. Harmony is for polyphony, which doesn't exist yet, surely...)
Evidently I can't write about happy music. I've also been humming bits of chant, mostly Mozarabic and from medieval liturgical music dramas, on my long train journeys today (Oxford day, because Bristol is a land without books). Lenten Preces and Rachel's lament from Fleury.
Must say, this recording of the '89 Cantiones Sacrae (New College, with Higginbottom) is gorgeous. Quite slow, and real awareness of the heaviness of the text. Or this could just be me being very, very tired and emotionally compensating for being booky all day. Adorno on the bus before 9 was a bad bad plan. He's pretty cold and rational, and I'm into emotional (but rational) musicology if you don't mind. Add in some Schopenhauer just so we're tying ourselves in knots and getting very emotionally involved. And now I will shut up and go to bed.

I'm at home- hooray :) I decided it was time for a break, and reading week gave me the perfect excuse. I've been doing a bit of reading- mostly Adorno, and it's apparently very obvious when I've been doing so because I go all glazed over and distant. His rambly abstract unqualified prose is starting to make a bit more sense now, fortunately. Mostly I've been sleeping, though, which I justify by the fact that the reading lists went up for a couple of units the other day and I'm still waiting the other one.
My Cambridge application is with the faculty now, so I'm keeping all my fingers crossed! I applied to Newnham in the end, having decided that an all female environment would be just the thing after all.
Back for Schola tomorrow. Very excited about an event we're doing in March, an adapted Lenten meditation thingy with Old Hispanic chant. Yum.

Since when were chirpy madrigals breakup music? Each to their own I guess! It's been a few days and I'm coming round to he idea of living my own life and having a chance to get to know myself a bit better without someone else to complicate things. I have plans.
I'm meant to be revising Hildegard's morality play and processions in medieval drama. Needless to say, I'm not right now. I will in just a minute, when I've come down from the ceiling. I love random elated moods. About time too. The next few months are about me and my work, and I'll enjoy them. And maybe Cambridge will decide they like me and I'll zoom off there and have crazy times doing more work than I ever thought was humanly possible. Feeling positive about life, and it's not even due to new shoes or anything medical. I could get used to this!
I am finally learning to like myself. Again, about bloody time!
Bit of tango now I think. Yum.

No more dodgy landlord! The deposits are coming back and I will no longer have to have anything to do with him. Such a good feeling. It's finally over!